Your son knows the word consent. He’s heard it in class, watched the video, walked past the poster.
What he probably hasn’t had is a model for what it looks like on a Friday night, in a group chat, when a mate is pushing him to keep messaging a girl who said no.
That’s where it actually gets tested, and nobody prepared him for that bit.
We surveyed 2,245 teenage boys. 86 per cent said they want their female peers to feel safe. The wanting isn’t the problem.
The gap is in knowing what that means in practice. Boys with a positive male role model were almost twice as likely to know which behaviours make their female peers uncomfortable, 76 per cent against 41 per cent.
Of everything we measured, including school type, region, age and socio-economic advantage, having that role model was the strongest predictor of the lot.
Two things close that gap. What he sees you do, and what you talk about. Here’s where to start with both.
He’s watching how you handle a no long before anyone teaches him what consent means, and most of that happens in the ordinary run of the day.
Ask before you borrow his charger. Check before you post a photo with him in it. Take a no from him without negotiating. He learns more from watching that than from anything you tell him.
He doesn't need to be the hero.
Nothing stops a boy speaking up faster than thinking he’ll look like an idiot in front of everyone, and that’s hard to argue with when the only option he’s been handed is squaring up. So talk to him about the different ways he can step in.
He can break the moment without confronting anyone, something as ordinary as telling his mate he’s wanted somewhere else. He can get an adult or an older sibling to handle it. Or he can say nothing at the time and check in with her afterwards
Our friends Teach Us Consent have a brilliant article called How to confidently step in and stop harm, which is well worth a read.
Head to teachusconsent.com/resources for videos, articles and podcasts.
Ask him what he'd do, not what he knows.
He can define consent. He’s been taught it. What he hasn’t done is work out what he’d actually say in the moment, so give him one. “What would you do if a mate kept texting a girl who’d stopped replying?” Then let him answer, even if the answer’s rubbish at first.